If you haven't noticed, I typically blog at least once a day. This is my journal. Some days I'm inspired to write about a life lesson, other days I write about something personal. I enjoy writing, this blog is my form of escape.
Now onto something personal.
Have you ever known a wonderful person that can make you laugh, stimulate you intellectually, make you feel comfortable, thinks you're brilliant, thinks you're beautiful, make you feel like a great person, and makes you happy? They can watch a movie with you or play some sports with you. You guys have so much in common yet are different enough to keep it interesting. That person seems almost perfect except for one thing. You guys started out as 'friends' and both know there's a fine line that shouldn't be crossed.
You hear stories about good friends becoming great lovers..and stories about how friendships are ruined when feelings become involved.
How do you know when you should take a chance or keep it friendly?!? Only time will tell...
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
What's Past has Past
Warning: this is a rant post.
Chapter 8 in The Power of Now had a significant impact on me mainly because I tend to have issues with 'romantic' relationships. It's probably due to inexperience or just plain ignorance. Whatever the problem, after the end of my 5.5 year relationship, I promised myself the next guy will have to work his butt off to gain my trust and access to my heart. So when I met the next guy, the series of tests began. As he passed each test, the more access he had. And as each test passed, I still had this wanting... more, more, more. False hopes, high expectations, and blind trust...all of which you throw on another person you have no control over. Silly, is it not?
When you open the door to these illusions, you also allow a door of failure to exist. So when you're partner fail your tests, don't meet up to your expectations, or lose your trust, your world is turned upside down and you begin to feel unhappy.
I'm not telling you or myself more so..not to fall in love. I just want to be conscious of the fact the happiness and pain go hand in hand. So that when I'm happy, I will enjoy the moment and be happy. When the inevitable pain arrives, I will accept it for what it is.
I spent months replaying what he said and what he did in my head. Questioning why did he stop caring? Where did we go wrong? Why is he such an A-hole!! I kept holding on. For what? It doesn't do any good, just brought upon myself more heart ache and pain.
What's past has past. Honestly, I was not ready for a relationship. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually..I have a bit of maturing to work on. For himself, he just didn't care. The relationship fell apart...it is what it is. At this present moment, it is over...it is reality...and I'm at peace with that. I kept wishing I would stop feeling. You know, it's okay. I still have feelings for him. I still care. There's no need to resist it, I will only feel peace when I learn to accept it.
He is another human being I care for, among the many other human beings I care for..as it is completely natural for us to care for one another, there is no point in fighting how we feel.
Chapter 8 in The Power of Now had a significant impact on me mainly because I tend to have issues with 'romantic' relationships. It's probably due to inexperience or just plain ignorance. Whatever the problem, after the end of my 5.5 year relationship, I promised myself the next guy will have to work his butt off to gain my trust and access to my heart. So when I met the next guy, the series of tests began. As he passed each test, the more access he had. And as each test passed, I still had this wanting... more, more, more. False hopes, high expectations, and blind trust...all of which you throw on another person you have no control over. Silly, is it not?
When you open the door to these illusions, you also allow a door of failure to exist. So when you're partner fail your tests, don't meet up to your expectations, or lose your trust, your world is turned upside down and you begin to feel unhappy.
I'm not telling you or myself more so..not to fall in love. I just want to be conscious of the fact the happiness and pain go hand in hand. So that when I'm happy, I will enjoy the moment and be happy. When the inevitable pain arrives, I will accept it for what it is.
I spent months replaying what he said and what he did in my head. Questioning why did he stop caring? Where did we go wrong? Why is he such an A-hole!! I kept holding on. For what? It doesn't do any good, just brought upon myself more heart ache and pain.
What's past has past. Honestly, I was not ready for a relationship. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually..I have a bit of maturing to work on. For himself, he just didn't care. The relationship fell apart...it is what it is. At this present moment, it is over...it is reality...and I'm at peace with that. I kept wishing I would stop feeling. You know, it's okay. I still have feelings for him. I still care. There's no need to resist it, I will only feel peace when I learn to accept it.
He is another human being I care for, among the many other human beings I care for..as it is completely natural for us to care for one another, there is no point in fighting how we feel.
Book #1 Completed
Finally finished reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
Funny how I stumbled upon the book, I guess you can call it fate or God's doing. The ex recommended The Power of Now and A New Earth, he knew that I would like the latter more so told me to pick that book up if anything. I read a few chapters and decided it was worth the buy. I'm a quarter way done and must say I love love love it! Elaborate later when I'm finished with it. Back to The Power of Now, I needed something to read while on my trip to Miami and lo-and-behold my friend had it. Guess it was meant for me... everything happens for a reason.
The book talks a lot about learning how to be present, to look within, and to end suffering. Reading one book is not going to change my life overnight...lol I wish! However, I must admit the book most definitely explained many lingering feelings or thoughts I could not answer myself. It not only provided explanations, but also solutions. It brought me a sense of awareness that comes with any knowledge. But this type of awareness is special, because it's going to help me deal with many life situations. Supposedly the book is a guide to enlightenment. I would love to be enlightened, but I know I have A LOT of work and it's going to be a daily struggle. I'm just happy to understand myself a bit better. I'm satisfied with being conscious, or my attempt to be, for now. Seriously, go read the book!! If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for society, do it for the universe! I promise this book will have you awe-struck!
I always knew that improving yourself is the best way to contribute in bettering the world. I didn't take it as deep as the inner core though. I figured working on exterior qualities was enough. You know...volunteer work, be nice to people, compassion, love, work on becoming a 'good person.' The book made me realize that it goes beyond the exterior. You can be this great loving and giving person, but if you're still angry inside ...you are polluting the world with that anger at the end of the day. You have to learn how to be at peace with yourself before anything else.
I suck at explaining...just go read the book!! 8)
Funny how I stumbled upon the book, I guess you can call it fate or God's doing. The ex recommended The Power of Now and A New Earth, he knew that I would like the latter more so told me to pick that book up if anything. I read a few chapters and decided it was worth the buy. I'm a quarter way done and must say I love love love it! Elaborate later when I'm finished with it. Back to The Power of Now, I needed something to read while on my trip to Miami and lo-and-behold my friend had it. Guess it was meant for me... everything happens for a reason.
The book talks a lot about learning how to be present, to look within, and to end suffering. Reading one book is not going to change my life overnight...lol I wish! However, I must admit the book most definitely explained many lingering feelings or thoughts I could not answer myself. It not only provided explanations, but also solutions. It brought me a sense of awareness that comes with any knowledge. But this type of awareness is special, because it's going to help me deal with many life situations. Supposedly the book is a guide to enlightenment. I would love to be enlightened, but I know I have A LOT of work and it's going to be a daily struggle. I'm just happy to understand myself a bit better. I'm satisfied with being conscious, or my attempt to be, for now. Seriously, go read the book!! If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for society, do it for the universe! I promise this book will have you awe-struck!
I always knew that improving yourself is the best way to contribute in bettering the world. I didn't take it as deep as the inner core though. I figured working on exterior qualities was enough. You know...volunteer work, be nice to people, compassion, love, work on becoming a 'good person.' The book made me realize that it goes beyond the exterior. You can be this great loving and giving person, but if you're still angry inside ...you are polluting the world with that anger at the end of the day. You have to learn how to be at peace with yourself before anything else.
I suck at explaining...just go read the book!! 8)
Monday, August 9, 2010
A Mother's Love
I can never express enough gratitude towards my mother.
That woman means the world to me..and I know I'm the universe to her.
There are times when I wish she didn't love me as much, not only because it's a hassle for me at times, but because I know it hurts her too. However, I am extremely thankful to have her as my mother. I'm sure we can all agree it's a miracle how our mothers can love us endlessly, hopelessly, and expect nothing in return. There is absolutely nothing greater than a mother's love.
This morning she brought me freshly prepared avocado/cucumber face mask. She smiled and asked if I'll treat her as well as she ages or will I just dump her in a nursing home. I laughed and told her about how I skipped on a fun trip to New Orleans/Biloxi just to be with her. Her face lit up as she said, "thank you." I don't know what it was, but it brought me to tears. Maybe I'm just sensitive... but I love how such simple acts make her happy. Just being by her side was enough.
To the woman that taught me how to forgive quickly, love openly, laugh constantly, and to strive endlessly: I love you...8)
That woman means the world to me..and I know I'm the universe to her.
There are times when I wish she didn't love me as much, not only because it's a hassle for me at times, but because I know it hurts her too. However, I am extremely thankful to have her as my mother. I'm sure we can all agree it's a miracle how our mothers can love us endlessly, hopelessly, and expect nothing in return. There is absolutely nothing greater than a mother's love.
This morning she brought me freshly prepared avocado/cucumber face mask. She smiled and asked if I'll treat her as well as she ages or will I just dump her in a nursing home. I laughed and told her about how I skipped on a fun trip to New Orleans/Biloxi just to be with her. Her face lit up as she said, "thank you." I don't know what it was, but it brought me to tears. Maybe I'm just sensitive... but I love how such simple acts make her happy. Just being by her side was enough.
To the woman that taught me how to forgive quickly, love openly, laugh constantly, and to strive endlessly: I love you...8)
The Light Bulb...Ding!
Does anyone remember the show PB&J Otter on Playhouse Disney?! I used to watch it all the time as a kid. Well I couldn't find the English version on youtube but everytime they had a problem they did the noodle dance to come up with an idea/solution. Noodle...do the nooodle...do the noodle dance..DING!
The light bulb always pop up at the end of their cute little dance. I'm totally obsessed with those light bulb moments.
Have you ever stared at a calculus or physics problem for 30 minutes and swore you worked every angle possible. Then DING! You realize you're missing one step and immediately you think, "Oh, so that's how you do it."
Have you ever try to assemble something and followed directions, but something still didn't look right. Then DING! You realize you used the wrong bolt or screw and immediately you think, "Oh, so that's where it goes."
Have you ever misunderstood someone and when they finally re-explain themselves. You think, "Oh, so that's what you meant."
Have you ever read something that you never understood about yourself and thought, "Oh, so that's why I'm like that."
Oh..how I love the "Oh, so that's..." moments!! It's freaking 3 AM but I was so excited because I had one of those moments..I had to write about it!! Night!!
DING DING DING DING DING!!!!! 8)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Let It Be
Anger, we've all felt it..whether in short bursts or chronically, anger is an emotion shared by the universe. It is contagious, infectious, and deadly.
A lost moment can help pull the trigger.
A daily argument can end with a violent battle.
A possessive disorder can turn into war.
All of which derives from anger. Anger at self, at others, at the world...
We've all felt it...guilty as charged.
I have what's called the 'angry little girl' syndrome. A ticking bomb ready to be set off. You know..the girl you always spot in the corner of your eye. Her eyebrows clinched, arms folded, any second now and she's ready to explode. She whines and bitches about everything and anything. Not a day goes by where she's not complaining. Isn't it aggravating, irritating, just plain exasperating?!?! She's frustrated, you're infuriated..right there, in that moment, two pissed the f--k off people making the world a shitty place.
*breathe*
Took me a while to envision it in such a way, but that's what I did for the longest time. Didn't realize it at the time, but I was just this silly girl wanting to make the world a better place yet polluting it with such negative feelings. Anger didn't resolve my problems, anger didn't ease my pain, anger didn't make anything any better. I guess it can be perceived as a tragedy, I have always allowed myself to feel anything my little heart, soul, mind, or body desired. When I'm happy, I'm on cloud 9. When I'm excited, I can pee my pants. When I'm sad, I swim in sorrow. When I'm angry, I raise hell and havoc. You get the picture...
Well I'm glad to say Huong has yet to learn another life lesson. YAY!
Let it be...three simple words I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.
I'm not saying you can't be angry at all. Sometimes people just really piss you off and you have to scream, "I HATE YOU MOTHER F--KER!!" Yes, let it out, then go take a breather, and just let it be. Do not let anger consume you. Do not replay the situation in your head over and over again. Do not analyze. Do not question. Do not resist. Suffering and pain only comes when you allow it to. Next time you feel angry, just stop and think. Is being angry really helping? Is it going to solve anything? You'll soon realize the answer is no. There's always going to be someone/something out there that can make you angry. The question is how do you want to deal with it. Do you want to dwell on your anger or just let it go? Sometimes it be that way. Resisting it won't help. You just have to accept the situation for what it is, and let it be...8)
A lost moment can help pull the trigger.
A daily argument can end with a violent battle.
A possessive disorder can turn into war.
All of which derives from anger. Anger at self, at others, at the world...
We've all felt it...guilty as charged.
I have what's called the 'angry little girl' syndrome. A ticking bomb ready to be set off. You know..the girl you always spot in the corner of your eye. Her eyebrows clinched, arms folded, any second now and she's ready to explode. She whines and bitches about everything and anything. Not a day goes by where she's not complaining. Isn't it aggravating, irritating, just plain exasperating?!?! She's frustrated, you're infuriated..right there, in that moment, two pissed the f--k off people making the world a shitty place.
*breathe*
Took me a while to envision it in such a way, but that's what I did for the longest time. Didn't realize it at the time, but I was just this silly girl wanting to make the world a better place yet polluting it with such negative feelings. Anger didn't resolve my problems, anger didn't ease my pain, anger didn't make anything any better. I guess it can be perceived as a tragedy, I have always allowed myself to feel anything my little heart, soul, mind, or body desired. When I'm happy, I'm on cloud 9. When I'm excited, I can pee my pants. When I'm sad, I swim in sorrow. When I'm angry, I raise hell and havoc. You get the picture...
Well I'm glad to say Huong has yet to learn another life lesson. YAY!
Let it be...three simple words I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.
I'm not saying you can't be angry at all. Sometimes people just really piss you off and you have to scream, "I HATE YOU MOTHER F--KER!!" Yes, let it out, then go take a breather, and just let it be. Do not let anger consume you. Do not replay the situation in your head over and over again. Do not analyze. Do not question. Do not resist. Suffering and pain only comes when you allow it to. Next time you feel angry, just stop and think. Is being angry really helping? Is it going to solve anything? You'll soon realize the answer is no. There's always going to be someone/something out there that can make you angry. The question is how do you want to deal with it. Do you want to dwell on your anger or just let it go? Sometimes it be that way. Resisting it won't help. You just have to accept the situation for what it is, and let it be...8)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Singlehood Update
August marks 3 months of my singularity. First off, I can't believe I made it thus far without running back. Secondly, my improvement over the past few months has been remarkable. I'm extremely satisfied with my progress.
Today I watched a movie alone. My ex and I used to watch movies together all the time. Surprisingly, I found the experience quite enjoyable. The fear of being alone has slowly dissipated and I'm beginning to appreciate the time to myself. Just the other day, I picked up a self-improvement book...LOL something I definitely NEVER saw myself doing. It's really funny to watch me work on bettering myself, growing, and evolving. When I was in a relationship, I always thought about him or us. Barely anytime for me, this is all very new to me and I'm trying to utilize this time efficiently.
When I bump into people I know, the first thing they always ask is 'are you here alone?' I think it's such a common question because deep down most of us are afraid to be alone. However, I spent the last quarter of my life dedicated to another person so the time I now have to myself is extremely valuable. It's a new chapter in my life. One of self discovery and improvement until the next big event arrives.
Don't get me wrong, I still get lonely at times. I miss having someone to rant to about my day. I miss having someone to cuddle. I miss having someone to call my own. But I know this time alone is essential for my growth and well-being.
To the guy that helped me move on, if you ever read this, I want you to know you played a very special role in my life. I could not be here today if you never entered my life. Even though we didn't work out and I was extremely heart-broken, I know God put you in my life for a reason. You hit a very soft spot and you gave me a glimpse of hope. You brought me happiness and made me believe that somewhere out there one day I'll find a relationship where love can be shared equally. In the short amount of time that I knew you, you were just the right touch to change my life for the better. Thank you, you have no idea how much you mean to me...8)
Today I watched a movie alone. My ex and I used to watch movies together all the time. Surprisingly, I found the experience quite enjoyable. The fear of being alone has slowly dissipated and I'm beginning to appreciate the time to myself. Just the other day, I picked up a self-improvement book...LOL something I definitely NEVER saw myself doing. It's really funny to watch me work on bettering myself, growing, and evolving. When I was in a relationship, I always thought about him or us. Barely anytime for me, this is all very new to me and I'm trying to utilize this time efficiently.
When I bump into people I know, the first thing they always ask is 'are you here alone?' I think it's such a common question because deep down most of us are afraid to be alone. However, I spent the last quarter of my life dedicated to another person so the time I now have to myself is extremely valuable. It's a new chapter in my life. One of self discovery and improvement until the next big event arrives.
Don't get me wrong, I still get lonely at times. I miss having someone to rant to about my day. I miss having someone to cuddle. I miss having someone to call my own. But I know this time alone is essential for my growth and well-being.
To the guy that helped me move on, if you ever read this, I want you to know you played a very special role in my life. I could not be here today if you never entered my life. Even though we didn't work out and I was extremely heart-broken, I know God put you in my life for a reason. You hit a very soft spot and you gave me a glimpse of hope. You brought me happiness and made me believe that somewhere out there one day I'll find a relationship where love can be shared equally. In the short amount of time that I knew you, you were just the right touch to change my life for the better. Thank you, you have no idea how much you mean to me...8)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Too Open
I have never questioned my openness and bluntness in the past. Even though I understood that there were times when I hurt people's feelings or made them feel uncomfortable, I always figured I'll make it up to them in some other way. My ex-boyfriend as a prime example, he hated the words that would spew out of my mouth at times but stuck around for 5.5 years because he knew I loved him whole-heartedly. I was content with it and carried on this mentality of "take me as I am or get the f--K out of my life."
It was a defense mechanism. Scaring off the people that couldn't handle it and rewarding those that can. When I love or care about someone, it's really difficult for me to hold back..I throw my heart and soul into it so I have to be really selective and careful around people. Fortunately, I have found a handful of people that stuck around and love me to pieces. I never felt the need for change...until recent months.
I need to watch what I say. Not just for my own sake, but for others. I want to be more considerate of the people around me. I'm not quite sure where to start...but thinking before I speak will probably cut a lot of nonsense from my speech. Undoubtedly, I'm sure stupidity will slip here and there, but this is a stepping stone for me. I'm not denying my honesty. When I feel the need to be honest, trust me I'll speak up. I'm just trying to develop a filter so thoughts don't just flow out of my mouth simultaneously.
However, I am proud of my openness. I think I would die if I bottled everything inside. I love giving my all, pouring my heart out, expressing every emotions. I wish I could do it more often. I don't like hiding or suppressing how I feel. There is this sense of freedom when I can just express myself openly. I highly encourage people to be more open. I enjoy my openness because I never live with regrets. Because I always give it my best shot, I'm content even if things don't always go my way. I might be angry at first and say I regret it...hahaha but in reality I'm proud of myself for doing my best...8)
"Horses were built to run
And the sun was meant to shine above
And flowers were made to bloom
Then there’s us
We were born to love"
It was a defense mechanism. Scaring off the people that couldn't handle it and rewarding those that can. When I love or care about someone, it's really difficult for me to hold back..I throw my heart and soul into it so I have to be really selective and careful around people. Fortunately, I have found a handful of people that stuck around and love me to pieces. I never felt the need for change...until recent months.
I need to watch what I say. Not just for my own sake, but for others. I want to be more considerate of the people around me. I'm not quite sure where to start...but thinking before I speak will probably cut a lot of nonsense from my speech. Undoubtedly, I'm sure stupidity will slip here and there, but this is a stepping stone for me. I'm not denying my honesty. When I feel the need to be honest, trust me I'll speak up. I'm just trying to develop a filter so thoughts don't just flow out of my mouth simultaneously.
However, I am proud of my openness. I think I would die if I bottled everything inside. I love giving my all, pouring my heart out, expressing every emotions. I wish I could do it more often. I don't like hiding or suppressing how I feel. There is this sense of freedom when I can just express myself openly. I highly encourage people to be more open. I enjoy my openness because I never live with regrets. Because I always give it my best shot, I'm content even if things don't always go my way. I might be angry at first and say I regret it...hahaha but in reality I'm proud of myself for doing my best...8)
"Horses were built to run
And the sun was meant to shine above
And flowers were made to bloom
Then there’s us
We were born to love"
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Selflessness
What hurts more than getting hurt yourself is watching the ones you love feel pain. Whether it's a physical injury, a mental, or emotional distraught..whether they're screaming in agony or tears are quietly flowing down their cheeks, words can't even begin to explain the sadness and helplessness you feel as this person you care so much for is hurting. Your heart aches as you question what can you do to cheer this person up? What can you do to lessen the pain? What can you possibly do to help?
It's such a beautiful and rewarding sight for me when I get the chance to see two separate individuals care and love one another. Their recognition of someone/something larger than themselves and their willingness to give the universe and beyond.
A mother kissing her child's booboo, a friend lending a shoulder or an ear, a lover mending a fight..these might appear to be simple acts, but it's just a glimpse of the big heart in all of us willing to sacrifice and offer everything on our backs for one another.
Sure, selfishness is instilled in all of us, as is altruistic tendencies. I just love it when people aren't afraid to let their guard down. When the happiness of others far surpasses the fear of their own potential heart-ache.
We live on and share this planet together, there's nothing wrong with loving and appreciating the world around us.
We all have walls protecting ourselves on a day-to-day basis. But just for one day, try opening your heart to feel the limitless love you can potentially feel for another. Just sit there, look at a friend, stranger, child... don't think about anything at all, just breathe and let your heart feel...the connection, the link, the intangible attraction is amazing 8)
It's such a beautiful and rewarding sight for me when I get the chance to see two separate individuals care and love one another. Their recognition of someone/something larger than themselves and their willingness to give the universe and beyond.
A mother kissing her child's booboo, a friend lending a shoulder or an ear, a lover mending a fight..these might appear to be simple acts, but it's just a glimpse of the big heart in all of us willing to sacrifice and offer everything on our backs for one another.
Sure, selfishness is instilled in all of us, as is altruistic tendencies. I just love it when people aren't afraid to let their guard down. When the happiness of others far surpasses the fear of their own potential heart-ache.
We live on and share this planet together, there's nothing wrong with loving and appreciating the world around us.
We all have walls protecting ourselves on a day-to-day basis. But just for one day, try opening your heart to feel the limitless love you can potentially feel for another. Just sit there, look at a friend, stranger, child... don't think about anything at all, just breathe and let your heart feel...the connection, the link, the intangible attraction is amazing 8)
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