FUCK MY LIFE

I'm really upset right now so please excuse the language, but I need to blow off some fucking steam. And I feel really guilty for polluting the Earth with such negativity...but I promise I'll make it up in the future!!

Fuck my mother fucking fuck life...

Let me dwell in this shit...just let me swim in this fucking misery..
Swim in my shame, disappointment, and failure!

As if my patience and faith haven't been tested enough this summer...one week before school starts..let's just fucking BOMB her!! You know... kick her in the ass so hard to leave her completely speechless and distraught.

Okay...all better... now onto figuring out what the hell am I going to do...

Also, I would like to thank the people that were my crying shoulder. You mean the world to me and I have no idea what I would do without you! I knew of the challenges and risk of heart ache when I chose this career path. I promise I'm not giving up and I'll figure things out somehow...

The Importance of Friendship

Mother Theresa once said that loneliness is the most terrible poverty.
I couldn't agree more. You can be the richest man in the world but with no friends--with no one to care and love you...existence becomes extremely undesirable. Or you can be the poorest man, but with love, you can find the strength to carry on. Humans are naturally social creatures. We need one another. We care for one another. We love one another. There is no greater satisfaction than finding a person to love and be loved.

I am extremely fortunate to find a handful of friends that love me unconditionally, every bit of my existence. Friends that supports every step or path I choose to take in life. Friends that take me as I am without an ounce of resistance. Friends that taught me to be just a loving. You need loving and caring people in your life. It is absolutely essential for your well-being.

Don't ever think you can walk this Earth alone. Don't let your pride interfere with your happiness.


To my friends..
thank you for hearing me whineee
thank you for getting me imodium for my tummy ache
thank you for buying me my favorite chips
thank you for your hugs
thank you for your laughter
thank you for your dances
thank you for your glass of wine
thank you for my cup of chai tea latte
thank you for my frozen yogurt
thank you for dinner
thank you for your place to stay
thank you for asking if I'm okay
thank you for accessorizing me
thank you for pinching my cheeks and telling me how cute I am..lol
thank you for caring
thank you for loving
the list goes on and on
I just want to say thank you for everything
I freaking love you guys!!
Cam on!! 8)

Off My Chest

Typically, I do not snoop into people's business because I respect their privacy. However, there comes a time when you become a bit curious and it's just time to face reality. Plus, I guess if the information is provided by that person openly on the Internet, it really isn't snooping? Or I'm just telling myself that to feel better...

Well, life has been improving like I mentioned in the past several posts. It's all fine and dandy until you run into that one person that just gets under your skin. Then you find yourself in bed feeling like you don't know what because all you can do is stare at the ceiling. Pathetic shit, isn't it? You know you're holding something back but you're not quite sure what. That's when you telephone a bff, and before you can even try to make sense of reality, tears are flowing down your cheeks because he/she just told you what you've been denying to yourself all along.

Whether it's...

"Girl...home boy is cheating."

"Girl...he is so over you."

"Girl...he's got a new girl."

Or in my case "Girl...you fell in love."

Sigh...falling in love. Three tragic words that holds the potential to completely transform your world: for better or worse. I tried so hard to deny the slightest possibility that I might have loved this guy. I tried to reason every angle. The timing was too short. He did nothing to deserve it. Maybe, it was lust. My God, every mere attempt was a failure. I just knew somewhere he's gone where most have never been. I couldn't explained why I cared excessively. I couldn't explain why I forgave easily. I couldn't explain why I couldn't just drop it and go on with my life. I've been in longer relationships where I left without an ounce of regret. With him, every time I left, a part of me wished it would have turned out different. Fortunately, another part of me knew I deserved better. It's sad that I couldn't be the girl I wanted to be for him. It's sad that the feelings were never returned. The good thing about falling in love is that you can fall out as well. In due time, I'm sure I'll find my way around it. Just have to get up from my fall and dust myself off.

Seeing him with another person, I couldn't be happier for him. Everyone deserves a happy home. Even if I couldn't be that for him, I'm glad he found someone that can. Now he has someone to respect and cherish. Someone to share his day with and make him happy. Now there are two people walking around smiling ear to ear because of one another and it's positive energy that the world needs.

Like old man Joe said from the movie Alfie- "There are two things I've learned in life: find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last."

Live life like that and trust me... you'll feel complete...8)

A Life Full of Coincidences

As a person that believes in fate and destiny, I have to be extra careful to not look into many coincidences that occur in my life. I guess that's how my over analytical tendencies developed. From running into someone unexpectedly in the most random places or coinciding facebook statuses, these awkward moments happen to me all the time. I mean everything happens for a reason right? Wrong! Hence, I have to digest, investigate, and analyze to make sure it was just that-a coincidence.

Due to my extremely hopeful heart, I am always prepared to give anything in life another shot. I am capable of seeing opportunity in everything. It's complete optimism, with a dash of stupidity. It's sad to say the least...someone can burn me into a million pieces but offer me a sincere apology with a hug and I'm all smiles again. What can I say? Everyone deserves a second chance or ten.

Anyhow, with a hopelessly forgiving heart, I will have multiple excitement heart attacks a day if I believed every coincidence was a 'sign' of some sort. People live and learn. I've found my way of coping with it. I try not to assume, I'll find a logical explanation for anything 'twilight zone-ish' that happens to me. Over the years, my desire for an explanation progressed. I never thought of myself as an over analytical person but if multiple people tell you you are..then you probably are! I guess this is me trying to explain why I over analyze.

I am a hopeful person. If I don't use reason and logic, if I don't try to find alternative answers than what my heart wants to believe, my life would be filled with disappointments.

This life full of coincidences is just that...coincidences and nothing more.

What Goes Around...Comes Around

Everyone probably knows of someone that has that 'player' mentality. Those people usually have been hurt in the past and vowed to never love again or treat others like crap. If you ever run into those 'players' or know a friend that's in that situation, encourage them to not continue the vicious cycles of broken hearts breaking hearts. What goes around comes around. Trust me, people like that will never attract nor deserve true love if they continue to live in that manner.

...

I am in the best condition to write when I'm in one of two states of mind: really depressed or really happy. There is a bittersweet feeling to the fact life is starting to stabilize and I'm finding myself scavenging for inspiration to write.

To answer my own question from the last post, I believe it's better to keep it friendly. Our friendship goes way back and I'm not willing to lose it just for comfort and good company. However, I am grateful to have someone in my life that can make me feel important. I love how he comes to me when in need of a positive outlook on his life situations. Let's me know I'm doing my job as a friend.

I'm really beginning to enjoy my single life. When you're in a relationship, you have to act a certain way.. so restrained!! I am loving this sense of freedom! I noticed that guys are less likely to talk to you when you're in a relationship also. I guess it's male code, taken property? I don't know, but I'm meeting new people and I'm so excited!! School starts in two weeks, it's going to be my last semester and I am going to make the best of it! Yay!! 8)

A Fine Line

If you haven't noticed, I typically blog at least once a day. This is my journal. Some days I'm inspired to write about a life lesson, other days I write about something personal. I enjoy writing, this blog is my form of escape.

Now onto something personal.

Have you ever known a wonderful person that can make you laugh, stimulate you intellectually, make you feel comfortable, thinks you're brilliant, thinks you're beautiful, make you feel like a great person, and makes you happy? They can watch a movie with you or play some sports with you. You guys have so much in common yet are different enough to keep it interesting. That person seems almost perfect except for one thing. You guys started out as 'friends' and both know there's a fine line that shouldn't be crossed.

You hear stories about good friends becoming great lovers..and stories about how friendships are ruined when feelings become involved.

How do you know when you should take a chance or keep it friendly?!? Only time will tell...

I want to see a heart that's pounding

I am loving this girl right now!!!!

What's Past has Past

Warning: this is a rant post.

Chapter 8 in The Power of Now had a significant impact on me mainly because I tend to have issues with 'romantic' relationships. It's probably due to inexperience or just plain ignorance. Whatever the problem, after the end of my 5.5 year relationship, I promised myself the next guy will have to work his butt off to gain my trust and access to my heart. So when I met the next guy, the series of tests began. As he passed each test, the more access he had. And as each test passed, I still had this wanting... more, more, more. False hopes, high expectations, and blind trust...all of which you throw on another person you have no control over. Silly, is it not?

When you open the door to these illusions, you also allow a door of failure to exist. So when you're partner fail your tests, don't meet up to your expectations, or lose your trust, your world is turned upside down and you begin to feel unhappy.

I'm not telling you or myself more so..not to fall in love. I just want to be conscious of the fact the happiness and pain go hand in hand. So that when I'm happy, I will enjoy the moment and be happy. When the inevitable pain arrives, I will accept it for what it is.

I spent months replaying what he said and what he did in my head. Questioning why did he stop caring? Where did we go wrong? Why is he such an A-hole!! I kept holding on. For what? It doesn't do any good, just brought upon myself more heart ache and pain.

What's past has past. Honestly, I was not ready for a relationship. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually..I have a bit of maturing to work on. For himself, he just didn't care. The relationship fell apart...it is what it is. At this present moment, it is over...it is reality...and I'm at peace with that. I kept wishing I would stop feeling. You know, it's okay. I still have feelings for him. I still care. There's no need to resist it, I will only feel peace when I learn to accept it.

He is another human being I care for, among the many other human beings I care for..as it is completely natural for us to care for one another, there is no point in fighting how we feel.

Book #1 Completed

Finally finished reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

Funny how I stumbled upon the book, I guess you can call it fate or God's doing. The ex recommended The Power of Now and A New Earth, he knew that I would like the latter more so told me to pick that book up if anything. I read a few chapters and decided it was worth the buy. I'm a quarter way done and must say I love love love it! Elaborate later when I'm finished with it. Back to The Power of Now, I needed something to read while on my trip to Miami and lo-and-behold my friend had it. Guess it was meant for me... everything happens for a reason.

The book talks a lot about learning how to be present, to look within, and to end suffering. Reading one book is not going to change my life overnight...lol I wish! However, I must admit the book most definitely explained many lingering feelings or thoughts I could not answer myself. It not only provided explanations, but also solutions. It brought me a sense of awareness that comes with any knowledge. But this type of awareness is special, because it's going to help me deal with many life situations. Supposedly the book is a guide to enlightenment. I would love to be enlightened, but I know I have A LOT of work and it's going to be a daily struggle. I'm just happy to understand myself a bit better. I'm satisfied with being conscious, or my attempt to be, for now. Seriously, go read the book!! If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for society, do it for the universe! I promise this book will have you awe-struck!

I always knew that improving yourself is the best way to contribute in bettering the world. I didn't take it as deep as the inner core though. I figured working on exterior qualities was enough. You know...volunteer work, be nice to people, compassion, love, work on becoming a 'good person.' The book made me realize that it goes beyond the exterior. You can be this great loving and giving person, but if you're still angry inside ...you are polluting the world with that anger at the end of the day. You have to learn how to be at peace with yourself before anything else.
I suck at explaining...just go read the book!! 8)