After the ending of my 5.5 year relationship and a major heart ache at the beginning of summer, I didn't know what to make of my future. I didn't know what to expect from love. I closed up and was afraid to trust anyone. A part of me died, this happy, hyper, open girl ready to give the world her heart was no longer with me. I carried that rain cloud with me everyday. I tried my best to pick myself up to show the world nothing can defeat me. I will be fine and to a certain degree..I am, but that part of me that went away, I definitely miss it from time to time.
Love, then, appeared impossible. I started to rationalize, logically organize my feelings to put myself as ease. I thought to myself..maybe love isn't the most important factor during marriage..maybe as long I feel secure..that will be enough. Maybe I'm impossible to love... maybe my personality is just too bizarre. I was so doubtful and hopeless. I settled with the thought of marriage=security and nothing more.
And when I least expected it, God gave me a gift. He gave me hope for my healing heart. I recently met a person that has filled my heart with fluttering happiness. Though we could never be together. I am so grateful that for the little bit of time we've known each other, he has inspired me in so many ways. I have gained confidence in who I am. Proud to speak up. Proud to stand up. Proud to be obnoxiously me. I have recognized there are people out there I can love effortlessly. I no longer view love as a battlefield. I now know there are people out there that think like me, act like me, a mirror reflection of me. People I can spend the rest of my life with in harmony.
I'm certain it won't be anytime soon, but I trust that just as God has healed my heart. He will also find me the person I can spend the rest of my life with raising 10000000000000 kids.
With patience and hope, true love will find its way...8)
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