Monday, January 24, 2011

Melt With You


Falling in love has never seemed more inevitable...

Just as the water from a river know its fate is the deep blue sea...

 What naturally and certainly belongs to you is my heart, my soul, me...

"I'll stop the world and melt with you..." -Nouvelle Vague

Stop Handicapping

I have a huge tendency to handicap people. Not even because I have a deep desire to help others, it's mostly due to guilt I would otherwise feel if I don't help people. I just have this philosophy that if I'm capable...why not? If I am capable of helping you, why not? If I am capable with putting up with your verbal abuse, why not? If I am capable of bearing your bullshit, why not? Why not...why not...why not...

And today I will tell you why not. Because even though you're capable, you are not doing them any good. Every time my brother (and his family) has any form of paperwork that needs filling, I seem to be on speed dial though his kids are more than capable of filling it themselves. Or every time people mistreat me and I forgive them at the speed of light. They never quite learn any lesson at all and repeat the offense. You see..these acts enable my loved ones to continue either using me or acting up.

As much as it pains me, I cannot continue handicapping people. It's time to teach them how to fish, instead of feeding it to their mouths.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Time is All I Have

Watching the way I now react to my lover has shown the progress I've made over the past couple of months. I find it absolutely amazing that I have grown so much. Undoubtedly I have much more to learn but being in a better place than before, evolution at its works. I don't regret a darn thing that happened over the past couple of years when I entered into the relationship realm. Experiencing heartache after heartache definitely has its ways of teaching the inexperienced. Now, instead of being the best girlfriend due to the egoic state of mind, I am attempting to be the best girlfriend possible because that is what my heart truly wants to offer my lover. Every act is from the heart, and not rooted from the ego.
It's a graceful thing to watch. Love never appeared more pure and wholesome. Him being so easy to love contributes in some way I'm sure. We have yet to experience any type of personality conflict. We are different, yes. But we accept those differences with respect. The only thing we fight over is the chance to please one another. Whether it's getting a glass of water or the lights...we both wish to make each other's life easier.
With a few months left, it is my duty to make the best of it... to show him a happy open heart more than willing to love him madly, deeply, endlessly...

"If time is all I have, I'll waste it all on you..."

I cleaned out my room today... found birthday cards from 5th grade and beyond. Kept worthy memories and dumped the unworthy. Finally letting go of the journals of every heartache and fight experienced with the exes was a liberating feeling. I couldn't even relate to what I wrote....all I saw was pain and misery, chaos, instability... I am in a different place now and it's only right to trash it all.. 8)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Don't Let Me Go Tonight

 I love coming across awesome music randomly! No lies, her name caught my attention, the beautiful and talented... Lykke Li!

"Watch my back so I make're right behind me as before...yesterday...the night before...tomorrow..."

Now onto something, well more so someone that has been keeping me smiling non-stop. I feel so blessed to have started the new year off with this wonderful human being. He turned out to be a completely different person from what I expected! Without a doubt we have our differences but the one thing we do have in allows us to bond in a way I have yet to experience with anyone else. We both are the type of people that will give everything on our backs and beyond for our loved ones. Hence, I have yet to feel a bit of dissatisfaction towards him. I feel safe, secure, respected. I feel that he is thinking about me as I am about him. I sense that he misses and yearns for me as I do for him. He's a gift I shall cherish for as long as possible. The thought of him makes me jump for joy! I trust that my heart is in good hands...8)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

What Now?

I've been reading a book recently called Why is God Laughing: The Path to Joy & Spiritual Optimism by Deepak Chopra. Highly recommended! It's not meant to be a book that will give you deep realizations, but it does touch bases on some valuable life lessons threaded with humor throughout. It's a quick read for people that have short attention spans like myself!

The book definitely provided me with new perspectives on fear, ego, and addiction to 'old self' in addition to The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.
I think I'm going to reread A New Earth. Now that I'm in a different place, I'm sure reading it a second time around will give me new insights.

I get this question often and I feel as if I should just address it so I'll know my directionality in life.
The question: "So what do you do now that you've graduated?"

To be honest, I have no freaking idea...but I kind of have an idea if that makes any sense, probably not.

Basically I am waiting for my acceptance into medical school.
I plan to retake the MCAT, which is much more important at this point than getting a job so I'm postponing the whole finding a job ordeal until I get the hang of studying.

Here's an overview of my agenda
New York City vacation
Relaxing weekend filled with nothing but sleeping and
Hardcore studying for MCAT all the way up til my exam, which I plan to take in March.

At the same time, I will be increasing my volunteer hours to CCD every Sunday. Hospital and English class on Mondays, VIPS on Wednesdays. My 'future job' evidently have to fit somewhere in between.
I also have to set aside time for my friends and of course my most adored significant other.

I forgot! I also need to look into what I'm going to do if I don't get in this year, God forbid..meaning I have to reapply to medical school and find something to occupy myself for a whole year. No bueno, but it's absolutely possible.

So I hope that has answered the question...what now that you've graduated.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Way I Am-Truly and Fully

The first couple of months determine the fate of your relationship to follow. This is the time you learn most about one another along with building a social contract aka setting expectations. Therefore, it is crucial to be as honest as possible with who you are to your partner. Part of the reason why lovers fall apart or start fighting months down the line is because either one or both parties involved have put on a facade during the beginning..only to let certain aspects of themselves slip out slowly and gradually. Typically, the beginning consists of females dressing to her best capabilities and being sweet as sugar... the guy performing similar acts. Then both parties start slacking off once they 'got' their significant other. One day, they look at each other and feel as if they are looking at a completely different person.
Don't you want your partner to fully accept who you are? Why play foolish games and use trickery to capture their hearts?
Be obnoxiously you, hide nothing... for if they can't accept who you truly are, they're not worth your time one bit. It's better to learn that from the very start.
I spent months debating on whether I should join many in playing those games or stick to exposing first hand who I am. It was nice to test out different perspectives but I'll be sticking to being me from here on out.. 8)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Cheers to Happiness

As I continue working on my inner core confidence and peace, I cannot deny the fact that I'm currently enjoying a bit of external happiness. Yes, the risk is there...when the external happiness fades away, which it undoubtedly will,  I will feel the inevitable-sadness and pain. However, both will play a part in our lives for many times to come. There's no need to run away from what makes you happy just to hide from what follows: pain.

Everything unfolded in such an unexpected and beautiful manner, I feel as if I discovered a hidden treasure. For once in my life, I'm facing a person that adores me as much as I adore them. There's always been a hint of imbalance in my past relationships. But when I look into his eyes, I see the sincerity, the happiness, the future. I have a good feeling about all of this... 8)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


While awake, no matter how delusional we can be...the reality is life doesn't always work out the way we want. However, in our dreams, we can have all that we wish and beyond. It's common to dream of your deepest and sometimes darkest desires because we typically suppress these thoughts or we may even obsessed over these thoughts...regardless they somehow manage to always show up in our dreams.

Dreams are places full of secrets...

We decided to go with friendship and though it breaks my little least I can dream about what it is I truly want when I lay my head down at night. That shall do for now...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Happy New Years Everyone!

New Years..a special occasion to celebrate us having lived for another year and contemplate how to live the next even better. 2010 was undoubtedly one of the hardest years on me. To recap- there was the tragic ending of my long-term relationship and even worst, my failure to succeed on an exam that determines the fate of my life. I have been able to recollect myself and stabilize beyond imaginable since the breakup, I'm still working on the improvement of that exam. Overall, I am quite satisfied with how the year ended and excited for 2011, which by the way, I celebrated well with amazing friends!! The best part... I started the year with a special someone I am ever so grateful to have met. To be honest, I don't know what direction we're heading because they're so much at stake with what we've started. Regardless of where we end up, we'll be friends at least.

It is undeniable that my heart just weakens in his presence..the way he reaches for my hand...kiss my forehead...or pinch my cheeks... ^_^

For 2011, the focus, however, remains to be my academic career...once I come back from vacation in's hardcore studying from then on! God, please watch over us and grant us a wonderful 2011!!!