The Evil in Me

Skylar Grey couldn't have sung it better, "even angels have their wicked schemes..."

I honestly try my bestest to be a person filled with good intent. It takes a true conscious effort on my part. I am constantly surveying my thoughts and actions. Re-evaluating what has been said and done, constructing what needs to be said and done. Most of the time, I am pretty satisfied with my words and actions. However, when I start to witness the evil in me, I couldn't possibly be more upset and disappointed in myself. I know we all have it in us, the dark side...  a side of me I rather not have exist.

It is the very demon inside us that drives the seven deadly sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.

Such a discouraging feeling arises when I see such ugliness exist in myself.

And today I witnessed envy.

You see, the thing about me is..if I like you, I am happy when you're happy...I am sad when you are sad, I will ride or die for you. On the other hand, if you are on my bad side, I want nothing more than for you to fail miserably at life. I want you to lack what I have. In my eyes, you don't deserve anything but crap. 

Sure, on the surface, I have to tell myself how horrible I am for wishing ill upon these people and then I convince myself that I really don't want these things for them. That I want their relationships to fall apart, their goals to fail, their possessions to be of little value... their life to be shit. It's almost as if maybe their life sucking will somehow make up for the pain they have caused me.

We can hide these things on the surface, but to be honest with ourselves, deep down...we experience pleasure when the less than fortunate occurs. So I won't lie to myself. Yes, I feel those things, and I hate myself for feeling it. But heck.. acceptance is the first step to change. I sure hope to see progress in my reactions from now on. Any little bit of improvement will be welcomed!

Timing is Everything

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So recently an ex-crush from the past contacted me for a lunch date. Well...being madly in love with the old man, the lunch date was obviously out of the question. But the situation begs me to question, what is the most important factor that contributes to the fate of two individuals that want to share even a little bit of their lifetime together?  Hm... I got to say timing is everything.

If this guy would have chosen his contact time more wisely, his chances at winning my heart would have increased ten folds. But since he picked one of the worst times to make the move...his shot at love is at approximately zero chance, zero percent.

Even for the old man and I, the timing was perfect. If either one of us were to make the move at any other given time, our shot at love would have decreased dramatically.

This goes to show we must be wise at managing our time, because it makes all the difference in the world. Not with just relationships, but every aspect of our lives. When we eat, sleep, study, work, party..all of it has an effect on our lives.

Yeah, I could possibly sit here and ponder on what it would be like to be with that guy or how things would turn out but why? I'm so completely satisfied with my old man, no one could possibly tamper with his significance. I'm committed to that old geezer 100% and wouldn't want it any other way...8)

Timing has done me well..

Hey Baby...I Think I Wanna Marry You

I know it's only been three months and counting, but I've never been this swept away. I swear the two of us are going to spend the rest of our lives together..I just know it.

A Wish Come True...

She truly is a wish come true...my little bundle of joy...my tiny bite-size munchkin... <3
Yet, she's getting so big, so quick! I still remember holding this little 10 lb baby and just look at her now..she even has her ears pierced!  I'm so grateful that her parents would give me the privilege of being their little girl's god-mother.

Truly, nothing beats having this big brown-eyed princess laughing and smiling back at you after a tickle session.

Indeed, life has been very kind to me as of late. 
-I got a new job, yes...about time! It will be part-time and just for pocket change until I'm done with my MCAT, then I can go beast mode in bread-making so I can TRAVEL all summer!!! Well, that's the plan at least.
-I've gained quick a few pounds since school ended. More sleep + more food + less stress = more fat! Haha..thank goodness I've joined the gym with the old man so this extra baggage should be taken in of in a month-two months TOPS.
-Old man loves and treats me very well...I'd do anything for that geezer!
-And the obvious-a beautiful little baby girl that makes my heart flutter with happiness.

There's not a day that goes by where I don't feel grateful for what the Lord has given. I look around and all I can see are the beautiful people that I love very much. I couldn't ask for more. 

Just a quick update for my readers..thank you for following me all along. I hope my amateur writing skills have entertained you thus far and will continue to do so... 8)

Nothing More Special Than Us

...and our love...

Unattainable Peace

I like to think of the world as good, and for the most part I still believe that to be true. There are many things we cannot control in the world, but the one thing, or person more so,we can control is ourselves. Maybe that's why many self-help books seem to emphasize on this unrealistic belief of peace, love, and optimism in the world. Since you're the only person you can control, you might as well be one extra mother effer that believes and promotes the more positive aspects of life. It's a big, big world out there, but for the majority of your life you get to see, oh what, 2% of it..if even? It's the same thing everyday-house, car, work, home again. That's the world in our eyes and we might as well make the best of it.

On to my point, what is it with this world peace thing? Realistically, it's impossible..for now at least. In the past, when everything was fine and dandy in my life...it was easy to believe in something as world peace, because it existed in my own little world. When turmoil surfaced, people's true colors were exposed. It brings me to question if I cannot attain peace within my own little circle of friends that consists of less than 10 people, how can we possibly attain a peace that is wide-spread among 7 billion people in the world? Uh..yeah good luck with that.

I'm not trying to be cynical or pessimistic. It's just at some point I have to snap out of the sheltered mentality that everything/everybody is good and it's going to be okay.

Once again however, I stress the point that you should still make every attempt for peace in your own life and for the people around you. If it works out...great, but if not, hey you did your part and that's all that matters.

Three Small Words

 

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I felt it and I knew you felt it too, but we were both afraid those three small words perhaps shouldn't be spoken too soon. And when the moment seemed just right, you allowed those beautiful three simple small words to slip ever so gently from your lips...'i love you.' 
My heart skipped a beat.
A vivacious fire lit inside my chest.
And a tingling sensation surged through my body, the sensation amplified at the tips of my limbs.
'i love you too' (and quite possibly more).

03.19.11

Forever

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Something rather refreshing has happened as of late. We have decided that our relationship will no longer take the form of a fling. We are giving up on the whole summer break up idea and a sense of liveliness has since taken its presence in our relationship. No more holding back, no more protecting or shielding fragile hearts, no more cloudy days...

It feels as if a huge ray of sunshine has burst into our lives. And though gas prices are sky high and our gas tanks may be on E, happiness and warmth fill our hearts to FULL.

So yes, I did potentially sacrificed getting into medical school this year because I decided to take the time I had to fall in love with a beautiful human-being instead. However, he has given me a new outlook on life. Now I have the chance and opportunity to aim higher. I am starting to consider going out-of-state. Which requires me to do extra well on the MCAT, and it may sound silly that I didn't try hard on my own before, people only work the minimum amount necessary, but having him makes me want to go the extra mile.

The best of luck to us my old man... I hope this lasts forever...

Don't Let Me Fall

"Well, it was just a dream.
Just a moment ago. 
I was up so high, looking down at the sky. 
Don't let me fall."

We all know that what goes around comes around.
What goes up, must come down.
With happiness, follows pain.
To have one, you must also receive the other.
Well, he is my up, he is my happiness, he is my one, he is my everything.
Please don't take that away from me.

"Cause I put my pain, my heart, my soul, my faith in this..."

You are the Center of the Universe, right? WRONG!

"...you are in the in-sig-nif-fi-cant-ness. When Beyonce said to the left, to the left, you can't get no left, that's how irrelevant you are..."
laugh. out. loud.
omg, he cracks me up.

When I entered the single life last year, my interaction with people increased significantly... obviously due to the fact my time was no longer consumed by a boyfriend. What I began to notice in people was a heightened sense of self-importance. People seem to feel as if they are the center of the universe and the world supposedly revolves around them. A lot of people do it, including myself I'm sure. Maybe it stems from the attention we got as children from our parents. Maybe it stems from insecurities. Or arrogance...or simply we feel the need to exist in a world filled with so many other individuals resembling ourselves. We desire the importance to somebody...anybody. Regardless of the self-absorbency's origin, at one point of another we have to come to the realization that we are NOT the center of the universe and the world in fact DOES NOT revolve around us. People have bigger and better things to worry about than you. People have bigger and better things to do than talk about you. People have bigger and better things to do than give you funny looks.
PLEASE STOP THINKING PEOPLE EVEN CARE ABOUT YOU!

People's need to feel special and significant is just sickening at times. Go eat a can of humility and do the world some good instead of thinking everything is about you...thank you.

Borderline

Yep, I can feel it. Any day now... and I'm going to blurt out those three simple words. I'm glad he feels the same. 8)

the warmth...
the happiness...
the attachment...
the dedication...
the borderline dependency...
the borderline love...




There's only one thing two do three words four you...because you the best I ever had.

It's a Celebration

Our First Mardi Gras 

03.08.11

 I am so happy I celebrated my first Mardi Gras with the ong gia. Though we didn't get to enjoy a full parade, we were able to experience a glimpse of it, hence the single bead dangling from our necks. A celebratory time indeed. Cheers to us honey and may the passion we share grow more exuberant as each day passes...

Perfect Fight

"...we fit perfectly..." -ong gia

In the beginning, the two of us were under the impression that we were starting something temporary, a couple of months at most. Honestly, only time will tell, but I'm not quite digging the idea of us ending anytime soon. We spent so much freaking time/energy contemplating our fate and ended up together anyways. Started out as friends and flowered into something so much more. No matchmaker, no middle man, just two people drawn to one another by the natural laws of attraction. Okay.. I lied, there was a little bit help along the way. Nonetheless, everything worked out nicely like puzzle pieces falling into place.


We had our first fight the other night, not exactly the right timing because we were out of town trying to have a good time. You know how special occasions can be stressful at times. It is scary to think we both had it in our heads that it was over at that moment. Once he broke the silence, all I could do was hold onto him and apologize a thousand times. No surprise, yes...I started the stupid fight and I swear to never do something that dumb ever again. We have resolved our problems and it's more clear than ever that we both want this. We both don't want to lose what we have. I know I've mentioned this before and excuse me but I must say it again, he is more than I could ever ask for, more than what I dare to dream, and we fit perfectly... 8)

Giving Up on Half-Empty Glasses

I often wonder if people knows what it feels like to live in a world where nothing is ever good enough.
A world where the grass always appear greener on the other side. This constant unsatisfying desire for more,  a flaw picking monster.
It's the reason I'll remove all my freshly done nails if I get a little nick in one tiny little corner.
It's the reason I'll break down into sobs and tears if I get a B.
It's the reason I'll leave a relationship when they make one mere mistake.
It's my unreasonable search for perfection. This delusional flawless world I've created in my head, and my obsession to match it with reality.

Well I'm giving up on half-empty glasses. No more of this nonsensical dreaming, it's time I start appreciating all I've been given, all I've been blessed with....
a functioning body
a peaceful mind 
a loyal family
a compassionate boyfriend
supportive friends
a thriving community
an education
and much more...


 

Update

Family
 Lately, I've been feeling a lot of resentment towards my mother, which causes me to avoid her at all costs because I'll probably snap at her at any given moment. Lo-and-behold, I couldn't avoid her any longer and a full-blown argument ensued today. Though I did lose my cool here and there, I luckily remained calm enough to explain my feelings to her so that by the end of our argument, we moved past anger and frustration.

She was yapping once again about how I go out so much. Which I agree is a valid point, I have been home less as of late. I explained to her that the world is so vast, I have so much to see, going out is a healthy way for me to learn and there's no need for her to worry. Then she replied in the only way she knew how, I only nag because I care about you. And again that may be a valid point, but it's quite an unreasonable method of showing someone you care. So I explained to her, and I honestly think this got to her because she got quiet after this point. I explained that once I enter medical school, I won't have the opportunities to go out, enjoy life, and see the world. Once I finish medical school, I'll be worried about finding a job, getting married, having kids. I will never have what I have now, which is the freedom, time, and flexibility to just go out there and live life.

I think we can both agree on that one for now, so hopefully she will be more understanding in the future.

School
So my chance of entering medical school in the fall have decreased since I decided to take my MCAT later than previously planned. I was upset at myself at first but I have come to realize that though I'll have to take a year off, there's a lot I can learn and do in a year. As long as I use the year off efficiently and productively, it won't be a total lost. Sure, there's some disappointment in the fact that I didn't do something right, that I made a mistake, that I'm imperfect in some way but that realization also taught me humility. Sacrificing a year off, but gaining consciousness, a more loving heart, and humility along the way sounds like a worthwhile mistake to me. So yes, I might not be in medical school immediately according to my picture perfect plan, but this is real-life anyhow. Shit happens.

Relationships
Same ole same ole for the most part.
Friendships have always been in an inconstant ever-changing state for me. Though I've gotten a lot better about it, I kind of suck at friendships. I honestly try the best I can, sometimes it's enough, other times...not so much. But if there's anything I've learned from the past 21 years of living about friendship, it would be that they are extremely healthy as long as two people are getting along, but it can get quite nasty when differences start to appear. So I have a habit of running when things go sour, which is probably why I don't have that many friends... like I said...I'm not very good at it.

As for my love life, I have never been happier. He makes me feel as if every selfless act I've done in the past somehow managed to provide me with the golden ticket to him aka karma. When everything else in my life may seem unsatisfactory, he makes it all better. Sure, he has his own flaws and faults, as do I. We are human at the end of the day and this is no fairy tale, but when two people just click- there is something unfathomably beautiful and magical about it. I still remember the first day we met, I remember thinking to myself how irresistibly attractive he was at the Wine Loft. I still remember the friendly, innocent, and completely harmless flirting I bestowed upon him during our friendship. I still remember how quiet and mysterious he appeared, which made me even more attracted and drawn to him. I still remember the night I felt something more. I remember the weeks I spent wanting more. I remember the night we shared something more. I remember it all.
I can't bear the thought of being without him. He means the world to me and like I said before, God brought him to me and God may take him away but this man has altered the way I view the world for the better. He has reset my standards. He is the reason I will never settle for mediocrity. He is the person that have shown me a glimpse of what it's like for two people to love and care for one another in a balanced fashion. He makes me very happy, very happy indeed.