Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Evil in Me

Skylar Grey couldn't have sung it better, "even angels have their wicked schemes..."

I honestly try my bestest to be a person filled with good intent. It takes a true conscious effort on my part. I am constantly surveying my thoughts and actions. Re-evaluating what has been said and done, constructing what needs to be said and done. Most of the time, I am pretty satisfied with my words and actions. However, when I start to witness the evil in me, I couldn't possibly be more upset and disappointed in myself. I know we all have it in us, the dark side...  a side of me I rather not have exist.

It is the very demon inside us that drives the seven deadly sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.

Such a discouraging feeling arises when I see such ugliness exist in myself.

And today I witnessed envy.

You see, the thing about me is..if I like you, I am happy when you're happy...I am sad when you are sad, I will ride or die for you. On the other hand, if you are on my bad side, I want nothing more than for you to fail miserably at life. I want you to lack what I have. In my eyes, you don't deserve anything but crap. 

Sure, on the surface, I have to tell myself how horrible I am for wishing ill upon these people and then I convince myself that I really don't want these things for them. That I want their relationships to fall apart, their goals to fail, their possessions to be of little value... their life to be shit. It's almost as if maybe their life sucking will somehow make up for the pain they have caused me.

We can hide these things on the surface, but to be honest with ourselves, deep down...we experience pleasure when the less than fortunate occurs. So I won't lie to myself. Yes, I feel those things, and I hate myself for feeling it. But heck.. acceptance is the first step to change. I sure hope to see progress in my reactions from now on. Any little bit of improvement will be welcomed!


mimi said...

i can definitely say you are not alone. Its human nature...from the beginning of time til now.

I don't think you should feel bad for it...but i'm not saying embrace it either lol. It happens...all you can do is continue doing you.

And maybe..just maybe as we all get older and wiser such thoughts should cease to exist...I for one will have issues with gluttony. HAHAHA


Phamtastic said...

Thanks Mimi! It's really comforting to know I'm not alone... and I really do hope that such thoughts will cease to exist. I will be at more peace with myself!

But it's a beautiful struggle I don't learn how to appreciate yourself and others unless you've seen the bad.