Tuesday, March 1, 2011


 Lately, I've been feeling a lot of resentment towards my mother, which causes me to avoid her at all costs because I'll probably snap at her at any given moment. Lo-and-behold, I couldn't avoid her any longer and a full-blown argument ensued today. Though I did lose my cool here and there, I luckily remained calm enough to explain my feelings to her so that by the end of our argument, we moved past anger and frustration.

She was yapping once again about how I go out so much. Which I agree is a valid point, I have been home less as of late. I explained to her that the world is so vast, I have so much to see, going out is a healthy way for me to learn and there's no need for her to worry. Then she replied in the only way she knew how, I only nag because I care about you. And again that may be a valid point, but it's quite an unreasonable method of showing someone you care. So I explained to her, and I honestly think this got to her because she got quiet after this point. I explained that once I enter medical school, I won't have the opportunities to go out, enjoy life, and see the world. Once I finish medical school, I'll be worried about finding a job, getting married, having kids. I will never have what I have now, which is the freedom, time, and flexibility to just go out there and live life.

I think we can both agree on that one for now, so hopefully she will be more understanding in the future.

So my chance of entering medical school in the fall have decreased since I decided to take my MCAT later than previously planned. I was upset at myself at first but I have come to realize that though I'll have to take a year off, there's a lot I can learn and do in a year. As long as I use the year off efficiently and productively, it won't be a total lost. Sure, there's some disappointment in the fact that I didn't do something right, that I made a mistake, that I'm imperfect in some way but that realization also taught me humility. Sacrificing a year off, but gaining consciousness, a more loving heart, and humility along the way sounds like a worthwhile mistake to me. So yes, I might not be in medical school immediately according to my picture perfect plan, but this is real-life anyhow. Shit happens.

Same ole same ole for the most part.
Friendships have always been in an inconstant ever-changing state for me. Though I've gotten a lot better about it, I kind of suck at friendships. I honestly try the best I can, sometimes it's enough, other times...not so much. But if there's anything I've learned from the past 21 years of living about friendship, it would be that they are extremely healthy as long as two people are getting along, but it can get quite nasty when differences start to appear. So I have a habit of running when things go sour, which is probably why I don't have that many friends... like I said...I'm not very good at it.

As for my love life, I have never been happier. He makes me feel as if every selfless act I've done in the past somehow managed to provide me with the golden ticket to him aka karma. When everything else in my life may seem unsatisfactory, he makes it all better. Sure, he has his own flaws and faults, as do I. We are human at the end of the day and this is no fairy tale, but when two people just click- there is something unfathomably beautiful and magical about it. I still remember the first day we met, I remember thinking to myself how irresistibly attractive he was at the Wine Loft. I still remember the friendly, innocent, and completely harmless flirting I bestowed upon him during our friendship. I still remember how quiet and mysterious he appeared, which made me even more attracted and drawn to him. I still remember the night I felt something more. I remember the weeks I spent wanting more. I remember the night we shared something more. I remember it all.
I can't bear the thought of being without him. He means the world to me and like I said before, God brought him to me and God may take him away but this man has altered the way I view the world for the better. He has reset my standards. He is the reason I will never settle for mediocrity. He is the person that have shown me a glimpse of what it's like for two people to love and care for one another in a balanced fashion. He makes me very happy, very happy indeed.


Rose said...

hahaha your mother sure knows how to get to you...glad you two were able to communicate....I hope it looks up from here for you! g'luck!

and I am so happy to hear about your personal relationship. I am glad you have someone to be your rock, as well as a field of flowers to fall into! :D I can see you are very happy....God has truly blessed you with these precious moments and I know you will never let them past without savoring and appreciating every moment! :) Glad you have balance in your life right now! :D

Phamtastic said...

yes indeed, that woman is one person that can get me to react in .2 seconds!!! lol But I really do hope she'll lay off on her slight obsession from now on.

Onto personal relationships, I do truly feel blessed to have him in my life and not only him but you also...because you are the one that introduced me to the wonderful people i call friends and lover today. Me and him would have never crossed paths if it wasn't for you. Thank you so much for being my rock when I needed you most. I hope it was rewarding to watch me grow in front of you from a lost little soul into a stable little monster lol

Rose said...

Haha yes, it is always quite the reward to see people you love most find love and happiness of their own. And I'll always be there for you! We may not always be on the same level but I'll always care about u little monstah! Now go study! Ahahaha