Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Back at Square One

Today has to be one of the worst days ever that I've had in a good while. I had an exam this morning for 9:30 am so I set my alarm clock for 6 so I would have 3 hours to study. Of all the days my alarm could have failed on me, why did it pick today? Alarm did not go off or I just didn't hear it altogether, who knows, but I ended up waking up at 8. Got ready, started studying and feel asleep... so I was late for my exam. During my exam, the computer froze and I had to start over. Then when I went to analyze my data, the freaking program didn't have it! So I had to download it, which froze the computer once again. On top of all this, I didn't look over one powerpoint yesterday and that costs me my A. There were two values I needed to memorize in order to interpret my results. Well, not knowing them meant I misinterpreted all my data that was worth 60% of my final exam.
Feeling like a fucking failure, I did the one thing I always do when life doesn't go my way. Breakdown and cry like a little bitch. Then I thought about how I tried so hard this summer to learn how to let go and not give in to my emotions. Yet there I was, in my car, breaking down...because I just needed to know two values, it would take 2 seconds to look at, and I couldn't even do that. Broke down because I planned responsibly to study for 3 hours. Broke down because I might end up with a B in the class. Broke down because I can't believe I read two books and I have failed to learn anything.

It's true that life will throw hardships at you, so why it is that I am still struggling? Why is it that I am so afraid of failure..or imperfections? Why is it I can't find peace among these difficulties?


mimi said...

i'm so sorry to hear. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just remember that you are doing the best that you can. Shit truly does happen. It's all about picking yourself back up and continuing on.

its all apart about growing up. there are times when you just want to punch the living shit out of things...and there are times when things are so blissful.

hang in there..your so close.

either are seriously going ot have a great time next weekekekekekeend!!! happy birthday beautiful

Phamtastic said...

Thank you Mimi.. sometimes I just find that doing my best isn't good enough. However, it's reality I can't go back and change anything so I just have to work extra hard to fix my mistakes in the future.