Today has to be one of the worst days ever that I've had in a good while. I had an exam this morning for 9:30 am so I set my alarm clock for 6 so I would have 3 hours to study. Of all the days my alarm could have failed on me, why did it pick today? Alarm did not go off or I just didn't hear it altogether, who knows, but I ended up waking up at 8. Got ready, started studying and feel asleep... so I was late for my exam. During my exam, the computer froze and I had to start over. Then when I went to analyze my data, the freaking program didn't have it! So I had to download it, which froze the computer once again. On top of all this, I didn't look over one powerpoint yesterday and that costs me my A. There were two values I needed to memorize in order to interpret my results. Well, not knowing them meant I misinterpreted all my data that was worth 60% of my final exam.
Feeling like a fucking failure, I did the one thing I always do when life doesn't go my way. Breakdown and cry like a little bitch. Then I thought about how I tried so hard this summer to learn how to let go and not give in to my emotions. Yet there I was, in my car, breaking down...because I just needed to know two values, it would take 2 seconds to look at, and I couldn't even do that. Broke down because I planned responsibly to study for 3 hours. Broke down because I might end up with a B in the class. Broke down because I can't believe I read two books and I have failed to learn anything.
It's true that life will throw hardships at you, so why it is that I am still struggling? Why is it that I am so afraid of failure..or imperfections? Why is it I can't find peace among these difficulties?