Tuesday, August 10, 2010

What's Past has Past

Warning: this is a rant post.

Chapter 8 in The Power of Now had a significant impact on me mainly because I tend to have issues with 'romantic' relationships. It's probably due to inexperience or just plain ignorance. Whatever the problem, after the end of my 5.5 year relationship, I promised myself the next guy will have to work his butt off to gain my trust and access to my heart. So when I met the next guy, the series of tests began. As he passed each test, the more access he had. And as each test passed, I still had this wanting... more, more, more. False hopes, high expectations, and blind trust...all of which you throw on another person you have no control over. Silly, is it not?

When you open the door to these illusions, you also allow a door of failure to exist. So when you're partner fail your tests, don't meet up to your expectations, or lose your trust, your world is turned upside down and you begin to feel unhappy.

I'm not telling you or myself more so..not to fall in love. I just want to be conscious of the fact the happiness and pain go hand in hand. So that when I'm happy, I will enjoy the moment and be happy. When the inevitable pain arrives, I will accept it for what it is.

I spent months replaying what he said and what he did in my head. Questioning why did he stop caring? Where did we go wrong? Why is he such an A-hole!! I kept holding on. For what? It doesn't do any good, just brought upon myself more heart ache and pain.

What's past has past. Honestly, I was not ready for a relationship. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually..I have a bit of maturing to work on. For himself, he just didn't care. The relationship fell apart...it is what it is. At this present moment, it is over...it is reality...and I'm at peace with that. I kept wishing I would stop feeling. You know, it's okay. I still have feelings for him. I still care. There's no need to resist it, I will only feel peace when I learn to accept it.

He is another human being I care for, among the many other human beings I care for..as it is completely natural for us to care for one another, there is no point in fighting how we feel.

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